Mommy Post Monday: The Day We Drove Home with a Newborn

Having your first baby is a really big deal.  I didn't realize just how big of a deal until recently having my first.  It's huge.  It's life changing.  It is AWESOME!!  It's terrifying.

One of my most vivid memories, other than the birth, were the thoughts racing through my brain on the ride home.

About to head home from the hospital.

The weather that day was warm but cloudy with a breeze almost as if rain might be coming.  I remember taking our baby to the car, and my husband getting the car seat snapped into the base.  I had walked under this same parking roof over and over while pregnant, on my way to appointments.  This is so weird.  I (gingerly, very gingerly) sat down beside my baby boy.  Here he was now, no longer visible only by way of ultrasound, but touchable and kissable and totally adorable.  He looks so precious... but so tiny and frail.  Is he going to die?  Oh my goodness, I can't do this by myself!!  My baby is gonna die!!  I won't know what to do for him without the nurses telling me what to do!

"All right, I think you've got everything.  Bye-bye!"  The nurse said like she had done it a billion times.  I am sure she had.  And then she left us. 

Ahhh!!  Nurse, stop!  Wait!  What if.... was all I could think, but I kept my mouth shut and just stared at my teeny, tiny baby.  He was actually a pretty big boy, born at nearly 9 pounds, but in his car seat he looked so helpless and small.  I held his precious, tiny little hand as Ben started the car.

Then I looked up into the rear view mirror.  I saw my eyes.  My saggy, tired eyes.  My face was still swollen with water weight.  I'd never seen myself look this bad before.

"I look horrible." 

"No you don't, sweetheart."  Hubby said. 

I sighed.  I will never be the same again.  Was all I could think.  I am hurting and I am tired.  I am scared!!  But this baby.  He is so precious!  

We had to stop and get my medications prescribed by the hospital.  We had to go to Target to get some last minute things I didn't know I was going to need before having a baby. (P.S. - NEVER do that.  Stupid, stupid idea.  I nearly passed out on the floor and I am certain everyone thought I was totally nuts.  I was.)  I remember leaving the parking lot... some crazy driver in a truck was cutting across at the same time we were trying to leave, and nearly hit us.

Of course, new mommy instincts and all, I came unglued.  "What are you thinking?!  We have a baby!!  You could've HURT him!!!" I yelled.  And I cried.  I think my husband had decided I had gone totally nutso.

"It's going to be okay."  He tried to reassure me.  "That guy wasn't even close to hitting us."

Um, yes he was.  Ha!

I tried to chill.  I closed my eyes and let the pain meds do their work, and dozed off on the 30 minute drive home.

I will never forget driving up our driveway.  With a baby.  We were driving up to our house for the first time as parents.  Sure we were parents when I was pregnant too, but it felt so different now.

Walking in the house, setting a place up to put our baby to sleep and change him - it was all so strange and new!  About 100 times my hubby had to tell me...

"It's going to be okay."

And you know what?  

Everything was okay.  Even better than okay. 

I never was the same again..... in the best kind of way.

I have been tired in a new way I never before dreamed possible..... for the best possible reason.

I have cried tears..... of pure joy.

I have had moments of being totally nutso...... okay I got nothin' on this one.  (Baahaa!)

I have loved every single solitary millisecond of it and wouldn't trade anything.  These last few months have been some of the best days of our lives!